Such a small word, yet such a horrible meaning. I've dealt with bullies a lot over the years; everywhere I turn, they are hiding in another corner. And though I'm not proud to admit it and feel horrible about it, I've been a bully myself. I pinched my ex best friend, I whispered horrible names into her ears. I'd give anything to take it back but that's impossible. The damage is done. I've apologized to her over the years but it doesn't make any difference. I ruined her life. Now she never talks to me, never smiles at me in the hallway like she used to. But she has good reason not to.
Life is one big maze. We are trying to make our way out of it but occasionally something pops up out of the blue that makes us stop trying to get out and instead weep for ourselves. That's the case in bullying. Few people have the courage to stand up and battle through it. As much as we hate to admit it, probably if it happened to us we wouldn't have the courage to stand up and battle through it again. You have to be really strong to do that. And I don't have that kind of bravery myself.
When I was in grade four, things hit a whole new level in bullying. My brother is autistic, which they just used as ammunition. I was called names in the playground, was threatened to be beaten up, kicked behind the Teacher's back. It didn't help that my grandma was seriously ill - Ill as in she nearly died - and that I'd just lost my great aunt. I began to act a bit stupid so that no one would suspect that there was hurt going on underneath. I could've talked to my teacher, except he'd pulled me into his office and yelled at me that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I needed to improve my attitude. I was yelled at for being insolent but I was nearly in tears. I'd had enough. And my life was in a downward spiral anyway.
I wanted someone's life to be as bad as mine. I wanted someone to feel as bad as I did. So I took it all out on the only person who'd tried to stand up for me. My best friend. I pinched her at the start and sneered at her in the hallway. She began to stay away from me - from scaredness, I suppose. She looked so scared every day. But I was so wrapped up in selfishness and spite I didn't notice. Finally I stopped and realised what I'd done. It didn't make any difference. None of it I could take back.
I've been reading a lot of blogs. One of my favourite bloggers is Visions in Blue because she can talk freely about what has happened to her. But around the time that I was reading one of her blog posts and heard about the depression that she's been through because of it, I broke down in tears. This was exactly what Lily had gone through. And she'd thought that I was her friend - She never expected for me to backstab her.
So I don't know what to do about bullying - I really don't. I suppose I should say tell your teacher, but if s/he's anything like mine, don't. Don't put up with it - tell someone. And DON'T DON'T DON'T backstab the only person who might be the only friend you have. I learnt that the hard way and will live with that regret forever.
~El
